The Feeling Good Therapist - The Five Secrets Technique

The Five Secrets Technique with host, Richard Lam, LMFT, featuring Jennelle Ordillo, LMFT

*This Technique was developed by Dr. David Burns, American Psychiatrist and Adjunct Clinical Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine

In this informative video from the Feeling Good Therapist series, Richard Lam and Jennelle Ordillo introduce viewers to the first segment of the 'Five Secrets of Communication', a tool created by Dr. David Burns for mastering effective communication strategies. Jennelle emphasizes the applicability of these communication skills in various relationships, whether in a personal, therapy, or private practice setting. The session involves a role play where the viewer, acting as a patient, engages in a conflict scenario with their spouse, played by Jennelle. The first skill explored is the ‘disarm technique’, which is a key CBT communication skill that involves finding a grain of truth in the partner's statement and agreeing with it. Jennelle guides the viewer through the process, highlighting the importance of validation and agreement as a powerful communication strategy.  The video offers practical insights into effective communication, teasing additional segments for future learning. Richard encourages viewers to subscribe for more content on the Five Secrets of Communication and can find additional information about Richard and Jennelle in the video description.

IN THIS VIDEO:

Richard: Welcome, everyone, to the Feeling Good Therapist, where we'll learn different skills and tools to help with your private practice or therapy practice, or even in your personal life. Today, we have Jennelle Ordillo who will be helping us with the Five Secrets of Communication, a tool created by Dr. David Burns. Welcome, Jennelle.

Jennelle: Yeah, so, like what you were saying, we're going to be working on the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, which is really good for relationships, any type of relationship, whether that be with a partner, a friend, or a family member. And, you know, we're going to be teaching that through a role play where you are going to be a patient, and I'm going to be your therapist. In this role play, you are going to be playing a husband who is in conflict with his wife. You guys have had this really, um, you know, had this really big disagreement, and we're going to work through that. You ready to get started?

Richard: Yeah, let's do it.

Jennelle: Perfect. So, yeah, Richard, I know that you've been struggling a lot with your wife, and I'm really glad that you're willing to give up blame because I know that this relationship is really important to you. So what we're going to do is I'm going to teach you the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, and it's going to help you get closer to your wife by communicating with her better, even in times when you're in high conflict. Is that something that you want to do?

Richard: Yeah, that sounds like it would be very useful.

Jennelle: Perfect. So, there are five different steps that are a part of the Five Secrets, obviously. Five secrets, it's in the title. But the first one we're going to start off with is called the Disarm Technique. It's always going to be a response to what your wife was saying or what the other person has been saying. What's special about the Disarm Technique is that you have to find the grain of truth, no matter how small it is, and despite the fact that it might be painful. You have to agree with what the other person is saying. So, in the last argument that you had with your wife, the last thing that she said to you was, "You never help out. You never help around the house." What do you think you can say to her to disarm that statement?

Richard: Well, I know it's not entirely true that I don't help around the house. I do help around the house quite a bit. It's hard to find truth in that.

Jennelle: So, what would be truthful in that statement? Maybe she's feeling like you haven't been helping?

Richard: I think a big part of it is she does do a lot around the house, and I probably don't do as much because I'm working quite a bit. But I could be doing more. So, I guess that is the truth. I could be doing more to help out around the house.

Jennelle: Perfect. So, if you could be doing more, then a perfect disarm to her statement What could you say to her as a disarm statement?

Richard: Something like, "You're right. I could be doing more to be helping around the house."

Jennelle: Beautiful.

Richard: Great. That sounds super useful to kind of use this disarming technique. Can imagine if I used it, it'd be really hard for us to continue butting heads because we're kind of in agreement now. So, what other five secrets do we have?

Jennelle: The next part is we move on to empathy, and empathy is separated into two different parts: thought empathy and feeling empathy. Thought empathy is literally you restating, if not paraphrasing, what your partner is saying to you so that it demonstrates that you're actually listening to them and that you're hearing the words that are coming out of their mouth. Feeling empathy is your best guess or your best estimate on how your partner is feeling. The reason why we want to do this is that when you get it right and you inquire about how they're feeling, they feel validated, they feel understood, and there's no harm in getting it wrong because when you get it wrong, you have an opportunity to learn more about them, and that builds a closer connection. Going back to the statement that your wife had said, saying that you never help around the house, how would you use thought and feeling empathy in that?

Richard: I might say something like, "It must be frustrating that you're doing so much around the house, and I'm not doing as much as you."

Jennelle: Yeah, that would be, yeah, you got the feeling empathy in there by saying that she was frustrated, and the thought empathy by saying that you haven't been helping around the house as much. That's great. One more important thing that I wanted to express is that, you know, we've been doing this in sort of segments, right? We've been splitting it up, and the way that it could be more powerful or, well, yeah, how it could be more powerful is if you sew it all together. So, so far, we've learned two, what, three skills, I should say.

Richard: I guess we have disarming, thought empathy, and then feeling empathy.

Jennelle: Beautiful. So, when you do get into a conflict with your wife again, you can use those three skills, and you guys will have a much more fulfilling conversation to sort out your conflict.

Richard: Yeah, that makes so much sense to kind of weave it all together so that way you're not just saying one statement over and over again.

Jennelle: So, now that we have these three skills, imagine that I'm playing the role of your wife, and I am saying, "You never help around the house." How would you use those three techniques all sewn together?

Richard: I probably would say something like, "You're right. I could be doing more around the house, and it must be really frustrating and really upsetting to you because you've been doing so much around the house and you're hoping that I help out a lot more."

Jennelle: Beautiful. That's great. Wonderful.

Richard: Let's pause there. This was a really awesome demonstration from Jennelle to show us the first part of the Five Secrets of Communication. We'll go into the other portions of it in a later video. If you want to learn more about Jennelle, you can find more information about her in the descriptions below. If you're looking to subscribe, feel free to do so. You can enjoy more of the content that we're providing here, including future videos on the Five Secrets of Communication. Thank you, everyone. Bye.